VIII
I didn’t drink tea or coffee, I bought only cereals and a pack of marshmallows or marmalade – this was enough for almost a week. I could eat cheese and ate an egg every day. Eggs have protein in them.
There was neither the strength nor the desire to wish for something, there was no strength to earn money. It was possible to become an administrator in a beauty salon or to stand with a guitar on the street, but I did not have the strength. But I had to pay my rent, to pay for a dog vet.
And then I got a message with this news. I realized that at that moment I could change something. Earn 2 or 3 hundred dollars in two weeks. I didn’t know how to help, but I felt the need. Setting myself on fire was not an option, but paying for huge packages of humanitarian or medical aid – theoretically, I could do it.
Silence.
When I have neither feelings nor emotions, when I do not want to contact people because I have no strength, there is only me, my phone, my laptop, and video communication. No direct contact with people, remote interaction control. But then there is money.
At that moment, I had everything needed for streaming: a bed by the window, white walls, and expensive linen.
IX
February 12, 2023, Russian-speaking webcam models’ chat. The topic of the chat is “How was the session?”.
Member (s/he) said:
I already wrote that when the shot is good, the members start to nitpick, “You are at the studio.” As if you can’t make a nice ambiance for little money. Or when you stream from a professional camera, they call you the rich type.
I once had “a regular”, he made me feel sick, as a person, but that’s not the point. For some reason, this guy thought I was a bum, and when he saw an iPhone (the seventh, and it was a little worn out), he immediately went, “Oh, I didn’t know that you had an iPhone”. And began to pay less after.
MilaAgain (s/he) said:
It seems to me that such members have an attitude towards the model as if she is just a servant, and he is giving her handouts. And when a member sees that the model is more or less on the same level, he gets disappointed and regrets the money spent.