Vlada Khmel

W2: that’s what i’m talking about.

W1: i didn’t see Svetlana Igorevna on saturday because you were there.

W2: no, sorry to ruin that story of yours, but i think there’s a little mistake in cause and effect: i went to see Svetlana Igorevna because you didn’t.

W1: no, i’m sorry, but exactly at five forty-two i got a call from Svetlana Igorevna telling me i didn’t have to come see her because you were going to. 

W2: no, i’m sorry, but look, how interesting: exactly at five forty-four i got a call from Svetlana Igorevna telling me i had to come and see her, because you were not coming for forty-four minutes, and apparently were not going to at all. 

long pause

W1: Interesting, indeed.

W2: And now I’m going to bed.

long pause

W1: And then Svetlana Igorevna died.


and i was happy.


of course, i wasn’t allowing myself to be too happy, remembering all the good things about her, i even tried to cry – thinking what if i’m just unable yet to realize what death means, that it’s forever; thinking i’m in posttraumatic shock and the dam is just about to break.  

i was even walking about the house at times, between rooms, from one to another, for no reason, thinking how good it feels without her. 

i’m saying terrible things now, aren’t i?

it was then i felt very sorry only for… mom. maybe for the first time in life – for real. i looked at her and thought: someone died on her, someone who was what she is to me. and she cried. 

but now the funeral. god, what funeral, for fuck’s sake, i don’t give a damn, honestly, i don’t care whether it’s heaven or hell or eternal purgatory for her. and i’ve decided i’m not going. i mean, i could of course go, feel sad over the coffin, but i thought i should grow up already, i need to start making my own decisions, so let my first decision be about not going to the funeral. it’s like, you know, if you do something really disappointing, then nothing else can scare you. right. so i’ve decided that not going to the funeral is an appropriate way to take on the bad daughter’s role, to stop trying to be good at all. to feel unobliged to live up to those expectations. 

and so i won’t be going.